People think being God is the ability to do anything one wishes. They could not be more wrong.
Being God is to stay within the laws you have created to govern the universe and hope everything turns out, not fucked up. Then you improvise within those laws and endure intense amounts of hate from the very people you are trying to help. The most important part of being God is to remain unwavered on your path against all odds and all hate. But enduring odds and hate have their own effects. The pain hardens and scars the mind in ways you could never imagine. They have their intended and unintended effects. You accept them to retain your sanity, but the pain, it only increases with time. I think, I understand that pain.
Past few years haven’t been kind to me. It feels as if decades passed in a glimpse. The years before that weren’t a bed of roses but they were relatively more comfortable than what I am going through now. Ironically, every time I faced hardships, I had similar opinions. However, it feels as if the past few months and the years before, have been especially taxing. It felt as if I had finally reached rock bottom.
However there’s a silver lining. Even rock bottoms can be dealt with if you are a good swimmer. You swim up and see no land at the horizon. What do you do when you don’t see any shore? You keep swimming till you see a bunch of white seagulls flying about. Then you keep swimming towards the seagulls. Easy till now, at least you have survived. However, there are repercussions of every process in this universe immaterial of its magnitude. Thus, your journey has also had its effects on you and the universe.
As you are swimming towards the shore, you realise the sea is not the same and even though it looks the same dark and bottomless, as it had looked like before but something has changed. Your journey has made you familiar with the seemingly random turbulence of the sea but you know nothing is random in this universe. Now, you can fathom some part of an impending turbulence. The vastness of the sea has made you humble but the indomitable adventurous spirit fuels you from within like a powerhouse. And you push ahead, but this uncanny realisation of an unknown change forces you to investigate your senses and your surroundings.
I had started an investigation into myself long ago when I faced the first real battle of my life, I realised I can fight till I achieve my goal. I faced hardships after that and I followed the same tactics until the scenario changed. I adapted and that led to further realisations about my life and my future heading. As many wise people have observed, no journey is without consequences especially when the waters you are treading are unknown. My journey till now has its own outcomes which can be categorised into intended, unintended and unwanted. Everything led to at least one good thing, knowledge and experience of navigating this endless sea.
An immensely experienced navigator in a broken boat, who spends half the time throwing water out of the boat using a bucket. Still, all hope is not lost because you know how to navigate and how to build a warship. That’s all you need to traverse the sea but the sea feels different now. The very fabric has changed, the sea is trying to communicate with you but you are still figuring out the mode of communication. The bigger issue? The sea doesn’t communicate with most seafarers.
That gnawing feeling inside your mind that you are one with the sea is far stronger than before and the sea has been throwing evidence at you, you had assumed them to be just mysteries of the sea and were amused or intrigued by them. Now that the feeling is stronger, you decide to understand the meaning of these evidences.
That’s when you realised all hell has broken loose which may or may not be actually hell but it is scary even by the standards of a seasoned sailor. During my journey, I met other sailors but the mates I found decided to settle on the closest shore possible. I sailed further to find other seafarers who encouraged me to continue my journey as I had envisioned it. They provided me with knowledge which corroborated my own opinions and I kept on moving ahead. I also realised that I understand the sea better now. Little did I know that I was slowly ripping the fabric of illusion in front of me.
A few months ago I met a cartographer of sorts, one who has some idea about the ocean which I thought was an endless sea. The cartographer couldn’t give me a map, but he did give me tools to pave my way. It’s like when Arjuna received the Gandiva, similar but not the same. I can’t know for sure right now. Of course, my navigational skills improved further and so did my curiosity of the sea which now I know is an ocean. It didn’t scare me because I knew I could still navigate. It was going to be just another training programme, initially. The training period was short, the lessons learnt were immense. I sailed on.
I am a Hindu not as per my wish but rather I was chosen. It happened after I chose to believe in the presence of God. The reader should note that I was never compelled and such is the basis of Hindu Dharma but I am not here to provide sermons on Hinduism. I am just trying to narrate my journey without sounding insane. During the training I learnt why I was devoted to Shiva. Shiva is the eternal learner and teacher. He is also that warrior who takes on the most painful jobs just because no one else would. He doesn’t care if his actions are appreciated by others. He just cares about his responsibility. No wonder I had became his bhakt unknowingly. But a heading requires three coordinates, the trinity.
As soon as the basic training was completed and I was almost back on my feet, something else happened. I lost my ship’s first mate. It happened during one of the storms we faced and one fine day I found myself alone at the helm of my ship, tackling the massive waves alone, again. It was initially gruelling to control the ship all by myself and the waves were more tumultuous than ever.
Sometimes you have to be lost to find your bearings and so I did.
timepersonified
I trained my body and mind to become the seafarer I was while the ship tossed and turned in the ocean. I meditated and turned to my three eternal friends for help. They are very good friends of mine, never judged me, took all my curses with a smile hopefully. They provide very good advice but they were as cryptic as ever.
While figuring out their riddle, I stumbled upon something interesting. I had reached that part of the sea which is frequented only by old seasoned adventurers. The density is sparse but at least I know that following the seagulls was a good idea.
I also realised that my navigational skills are not as bad as I thought. But I am a one man crew with three dependents and I reached this place too soon. It feels chilling and scary. Scary because the fabric of reality around me is getting torn. I see things which others can’t. The realisations are mostly backed by our known laws of reality but a true student uses the feedback mechanism of self-doubt and so do I, always.
That’s my compass and it keeps me true on my course. I realised that the three friends I had are actually intricately connected to one another forming a cycle. They have to be, to complete their individual purposes. I had also understood the reason and implications behind their entanglement. I now know that the past, present and the future are not different, just entangled with each other. I understand the theory of relativity and the reason behind it. Imaginary numbers make more sense than even before. I was discovering new waters again, places seldom visited by sailors. It was exciting of course, even though the icy loneliness bit at my bones all the time. I fought tooth and nail to retain my senses, so that I don’t get lost in the currents. The coldness is unbearable, I am barely functional as my nerves beg to be shut down. I convince my brain to hold on till our mind trains itself to endure the cold. I turn to my friends for moral support who implore me to keep pushing.
Then dear fate decides to play a cruel joke on my already broken mind. I don’t know if it’s fate or those three cheeky buggers infamous for their practical jokes. You have to be really broken to appreciate their sense of humour. Getting back to the event:
The number 9 has been associated with me for a very long time. I found it amusing and decided to accept the association at face value till a few days ago. I have even gone to the extent of choosing numbers associated withNine. The association or connection, whichever was never broken. One day in the recent past, I received an object with a number very neatly associated with 9. So, I decided to look it up, the relevance of 9. I had mentioned before that my journey has certain intended effects which contain certain benefits. Connectivity and access to needed resources are two of those benefits. I have learnt to weave various information to understand otherwise illusive phenomena. I can decipher information from the sea breeze.
So, I started reading about the significance of the number which has been associated with me for ages. I found a very simple explanation which leads to an outlandish conclusion.
The number 9 is revered in Hinduism and considered a complete, perfected and divine number because it represents the end of a cycle, which originated from the Indian subcontinent as early as 3000 BC. Number 9 is a sacred number. Number 9 is the number of completion and fulfillment and is associated with a certain cursed God in Hinduism.
Various sources.
If I consider the remotest possibility of the meaning, it should be considered as textbook insanity. At the same time, self-doubt is a tool used by a man of reason and my character, development (both physical and mental), the various incidents in the recent past are more inclined towards the possibility. But to accept it is not much different than losing my mind. I am disinclined to accept the possibility because of a necessary bias every human should have and that is he is perishable.
So, for the sake of my sanity, I have decided to investigate further through this newly found but substantial tear in the fabric along with acute circumspection of my own rationality while sailing through the Ocean.
On the other hand, the depths sing to me everyday. I have learnt to ignore their dark music on most days but some days it’s deafening and that’s when it becomes really painful. However, a few thunderstorms could never do anything more than slowing me down for a while. I don’t mind the pain anymore but it does show on the surface sometimes. Others observe that as unexpected dark clouds.
The predators I face while sailing are often larger than me but they have been reduced from formidable foes to merely weekend entertainment. It feels fun till the point you realise that you don’t have anyone to share your excitement with. Even the old seafarers I have met till now get perturbed by a cyclone whereas I take on maelstroms as my training exercises.
I reiterate, I am a one man crew as I have come to realise, with three kids who are turning out to be different versions of me. We are not even of the same species but they have weathered storms with me and are always by my side. They are the reason why I can ignore the vile songs from the depths. I know they have my back.
So, what does a skilled navigator do? He prepares for all odds and hopes that he can keep it together till the end while he pushes ahead. I am doing the same, sailing through the Ocean of space and time. No, space-time curvature, it’s not just a membrane. It is just a surface separating us from another reality, a reality which has glimpses into everyone’s lives but most have ignored it as a trick of the mind.
I just hope that my investigation says I am delusional because if my realisation is my forthcoming reality, I am royally screwed.
Why? you ask. It’s because,
“I am beyond the point of no return. I have two options: either to sink or to sail ahead in my battle battered but yet sturdy vessel“
There’s a price to pay for opening doors to new horizons. The ones who reach such doors are very few. The ones who go through them are fewer. The ones making the doorway safe are almost non-existent.
timepersonified
I seem to have lost my home planet. So, I am staying here and observing.
A glimpse inside "Timepersonified"⏳ 